Jealousy why, when and how?
This time I am starting with a disclaimer as this is a very sensitive subject which I believe is very subjective and each can see Jealousy differently. This is my observation as off today and tomorrow my view could change completely.
Now I looked up for the first time the definition of Jealousy, I had my idea but now that I read the definition I have to admit it adds a spin to my thinking..
Definition of Jealousy
Oxford definition
“feeling or showing an envious resentment of someone or their achievements, possessions, or perceived advantages:
feeling or showing a resentful suspicion that one's partner is attracted to or involved with someone else
fiercely protective of one's rights or possessions
(of God) demanding faithfulness and exclusive worship.”
As mentioned what actually surprised me was the word “resentment” I personally never thought of resentment when thinking of the Jealousy state.
Again using the definition from Oxford dictionary: Resentment is a feeling of anger or unhappiness about something that you think is unfair
So now I have feelings within feelings
Anger
Resentful
Unfairness
There is no mention of insecurity which is interesting to me as I always thought Jealousy was about insecurity.
My perception of Jealousy….insecurity based
I have to admit to me Jealousy is all about insecurity.
I always associated Jealousy with internal insecurity.
Why because being Jealous to me is considering yourself as the issue and this was or is my point of view.
Let me try to explain, I feel Jealous when I am not well in my skin. Meaning I feel insecure about some aspect of my body or personality.
Let’s say that I have put on weight and I have not accepted that change in me, then I might feel that my partner might get attracted to other “more attractive” people.
But if I have put on weight but I am actually comfortable with the situation then I do not have any fear that he would be attracted to anyone else.
What has changed in my weight? Nothing, but my internal feelings or perception of me have.
Have my partner change his attitude towards other people around us? No. so why do I feel jealous in the first instance and not jealous if the exact same situation in the second instance?
Indeed the difference is in me, and this is my big belief in jealousy, it is work that you need to do on yourself to remove the insecurity.
Personality types
I believe there are different personalities that can handle things differently.
I was watching a K-drama called “Nevertheless” it is about a man who is what I call a Butterfly. This is a person who is upfront about not being monogamist. He does not get in a relationship planning on being faithful. So you know what to expect and jealousy has no place in such relationship as the rules are there from the beginning.
Now if you believe you can handle this and in the end you cannot then you need to get out if this relationship to be fair to the other person.
If this person agrees to be monogamist to please you I have my doubts that it will work. I believe this decision needs to be made by the Butterfly to work.
Next we have the permanent Bachelors and Bachelorettes. Seems similar except that they do not actually enter a relationship. Again from the beginning it is clear and the parties entering this agreement know what to expect.
Do those people secretly hope that they will change the Bachelor and be that special someone they enter a relationship with? Maybe. Again this is a very well depicted in the movie “He is just not that into you”.
Can they fall in love definitely, will they be faithful not sure….
Life experience
Now that is where things I believe get complicated.
When you are not a jealous person but you are betrayed.
You have entered a relationship monogamist in good faith but the other half is cheating.
Now why do people cheat is a different blog altogether I believe so we will not go into this.
We will only talk about the result.
So as mentioned in a previous blog all our experiences can be considered mini PTSD so once something has happened we have an internal fear that this might happen again.
Now I believe this is where most Jealousy come from, fear of history repeating itself.
So if you are jealous because something has happened in this specific relationship then you have 3 choices
Get over it and never talk about it once you have resolved the issue.
Be suspicious for ever and drive yourself and your partner crazy - Not healthy
Leave the relationship if you cannot be part of number 1 in short or long term.
I also believe this is where the insecurity Jealousy come from. If you are insecure due to any reasons I believe this is when Jealousy can be triggered and that the work needs to be done on the person experiencing the Jealousy.
So move between option 2 to 1 or 3 but staying in 2 is not fair to everyone.
The extreme Jealous…The no Jealous at all….
Now there is a category on its own which is the extreme Jealous.
Someone who will not allow his/her partner to do anything or look anywhere without thinking that this person is up to something.
I believe this is a controlling aspect of life and this behaviour is not triggered but a previous behaviour of the partner or someone else.
This is a personality type which is toxic and in this case this person needs to be the one once again to work on itself.
This controlling, manipulative personality will always enter a toxic relationship.
Same as the no jealous at all, the person is so easy going that they have no fear or not bothered thinking that the partner could cheat.
So Jealousy is not a straight forward answer, good, bad, ugly.
I believe a little of Jealousy can be cute, as it makes you think that the person cares and can see that you are not taken for granted.
Too much jealousy is toxic and can drive to major issues.
Extreme jealousy is a decease in my mind and is to be avoided at all cost.
Try to receive help if life brought you a bad experience - talking to a therapist about it to move on is the way forward.
You only have one life and it should be enjoyable and worry free as much as possible.
